AUGUST 29--A week has passed and police have yet to make an arrest in the crash-and-grab theft of an $800 Pipedream Extreme Fuck Me Silly 3 Mega Masturbator from an Ohio sex shop.
Lorain County Sheriff’s Office investigators are still hunting for the man who last Monday used a stolen tractor to open the rear doors to the Adultmart in Brownhelm Township.
Surveillance video revealed that after “busting the doors apart” around 2:25 AM, a white male perpetrator wearing a royal blue hoodie ran in and swiped the masturbator, according to an amusing sheriff’s report.
The subject, deputies noted, “then left in an unknown direction of travel” with the masturbator, which its manufacturer, Pipedream Products, describes as “over 20 lbs. of legs, ass & pussy!!”
Alright I knew they had things like fleshlights and shit to stick your dick in. But this is too fucking much. An $800 replica pussy, ass and legs? Talk about the fucking creepiest thing to put your dick in ever. What's that in your cloest man? Just my lower torso of a female that I fuck every day. Okay bro. What the fuck.
And if you are going to break into a store and steal something, why this? What the fuck. Charlie Sheen must be on the rock again.
Oh and don't get me wrong. Fleshlights are motherfucking creepy too.